Why You Can't Meet People In Person (It's Not What You Think) | Ep 170
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If you've ever told yourself you can't meet people in person because you're not brave enough, not in the right city, or don't know how to flirt — this episode is going to reframe everything.
Dating coach Clara Artschwager makes the case that meeting people in person isn't a strategy problem. It's an identity problem — one rooted in early experiences of rejection, shame, and desire that most of us have never fully examined.
In this episode, Clara walks you through:
Why AI dating tools and app shortcuts are making your dating life harder, not easier
The childhood and adolescent moments that quietly shaped your beliefs about desire and desirability
Why your sense of identity determines what you believe you're allowed to experience in love
How to identify the defining moment that created your core beliefs around intimacy and relationships
A powerful journaling exercise to reconnect with the younger version of you who shut down around desire
Why meeting people in person is one of the most effective ways to rewire deep-seated dating patterns
Whether you're burned out on dating apps, struggling to put yourself out there, or feel like something invisible keeps you stuck in the same patterns — this episode gets to the root of it.
Part two of an ongoing series on meeting people in person and building real-world dating confidence. Start with episode 169 before diving in.
Part two of a series on meeting people in person and building real-world dating skills.
Show Transcript:
Hi friends, welcome back to another episode of I Think I Like You the Podcast. I'm your host, Claire Archbogger, and this is a podcast for high achieving, highly independent, high functioning women who've experienced solid professional success, but not the same thing romantically. I run this podcast every week. You can also find me over on Instagram at IthinkIlikeyou.co. And if you're curious about working with me, I do have spaces in my private coaching program. It's specifically for women.
in their 30s, 40s, and into the early 50s, who feel behind in life, deeply desire a partner and family, and find this to kind of be the one space of their life that despite like all the self-help, all the therapy, all the work that you have done, you're not really seeing consistent or tangible change. So if you're interested in learning more about that and signing up for a call to discuss more with me, head to I thinkIlikeyou.co, click on the link, work with me, and there's a drop-down, there's one for folks that are single and then
folks that are married because I also work in that space as well. So a little bit of, and you may have already noticed this because most of my listeners are return listeners, but I'm in a bit of a production transition. And this has been on and off for a few years, but I am in full commitment mode now. I'm sure there's some metaphor here around finally allowing myself or giving myself the help I deserve. You know, I've
I've run this podcast for four years. This is episode 170. So that's that's some commitment, some time, and discipline right there. but I really have not done it justice in terms of the production quality. I don't run video on this. And, you know, it's interesting. As I've been talking with different freelancers and working to get support and set this up, there were elements of like real like shame I felt around that. Of like,
Why have you, why have you not done this yet? Or why have you not looked at things in this way? Or why didn't you start in such and such way? And it was really tempting to like sink right there and just kind of punish myself for it. and I would say it was closer to sinking than I have been to most things in a while. but pretty quickly I was able to say, you know what, this is just this is not product. Like, what is this gonna do? Is it not productive?
What is this gonna do? It can be frustrating and painful and disappointing. And also there lies the work ahead. so I am hoping by next week that I will have intro music and outro music again. I'm hoping by next week, there are video versions of this on YouTube and of course on the podcast platforms like Spotify and then you know, clips online. But you know what? We'll see. We'll see what can
We'll see what can get done within that time. let's jump into today's episode. This is a continuation of the conversation around meeting people in person in an era where I think there's even more burnout around the modern dating landscape. People are feeling really disconnected and lacking, I think in a lot of ways the tangible skill is to actually have a relationship, which only becomes more apparent to me the deeper I get into my marriage.
If you haven't listened to last week's episode, I recommend that you do that first because I'm gonna refer back to a lot of stuff there. And I had also briefly mentioned in last week's episode, I might run this course around meeting people in person. Although I said at that same time, I was like, that likely isn't feasible in terms of my workload this summer and other things I have to prioritize. and that's proving to be the case. And so similar to what I echoed at that point in time, I'm just doing a content series around this. So if you're like, huh? What? I never heard that.
Don't you worry about it. But I do, again, this is part of a series, so go back and listen to episode 169 and then hop in here. Okay, so picking up on all that, I do not believe the addition of AI is going to be helpful when it comes to improving our experience or the effectiveness of dating apps. I think it will only
further us from the skills needed in order to flourish, to find joy, to feel fulfillment in relationships. So in last week's episode, I went into more detail around why I think AI will do this within dating apps, why I also think there's this elevated energy of burnout with just like the internet in general and social media in general and a hunger to get offline. And even though I've always taught people how to meet people in person, it's
It's how this whole journey for me personally and this line of work I now do started. I feel a very deep pull to double down on it. And the thing is, learning to meet people in person only enhanced my capacity to date online. As I've mentioned before, I met my husband online. I met many people prior to that that were not the right fit, but wonderful people to date. Some not so wonderful people to date online. But I'm not throwing it away completely.
And frankly, to do so, to be like, screw the act, like they are the problem that, you know, and and it's just getting worse, it still falls into that space of like, there's this one thing and that's the problem. And once I remove it or change it or fix it, then it's just gonna be a smooth path to the thing that I want, the thing I desire, the destination, the relationship, et cetera, et cetera. So I'm not fully throwing them away.
Last week's episode I also walked through the four key elements for taking the summer off from dating apps, not necessarily dating or meeting people, and experiencing more joy while also building your capacity to meet people in person. So as I've said a million times, give that a listen before you dig in more here because it's gonna inform it's going to inform a lot of what I talk about today.
Today I'm getting into the identity piece around meeting people in person, how we view ourselves, what we think we are allowed to do in this capacity of dating, and what we aren't allowed to do or aren't capable of. Most people who are single think they cannot meet people in person for reasons like I never run into anyone. I'm not in settings with single people. I don't live in a large enough or urban enough area.
All my friends are coupled and they don't have people to introduce me to. I'm not a brave enough to ask someone out. I don't know how to flirt. I can't go up to someone, et cetera, et cetera.
But those, even though they can feel really true, and in some ways they are, they aren't the deeper truth, like what's really driving your perception of that experience. The title of this episode is I wasn't asked to prom, but 10 years later, I was able to meet people in person. And here's how I did it. The reason I go back to this identity piece is because confronting this younger version of me.
The girl who wasn't Astaprom, the girl who didn't have the high school boyfriend, the girl who has memories and lived experiences of boys making fun of her. That's where I needed to start. So going back to her and those moments in my life was the start of my journey towards meeting people in person and actually being able to incorporate that pursuit into my present life.
Meeting people in person doesn't have to do with the how or the strategy, where am I go gonna go, what am I gonna say? It starts with sitting with these versions of ourselves and the ideas, beliefs, and perspectives that formulated, that came into being, that then created the state of like, this isn't possible. And it's not just that it isn't possible. That's why when people say things like
I don't have single friends, or I don't want to go to bars. I don't want to go to bars. I feel like in my era of dating, I don't think this applies anymore, but it was like join a kickball league. I'm like, I would sooner die than join a kickball league. those types of reasons where our mind goes, they sit on the surface because it's not just about believing it is or isn't possible.
It's about it not being safe. And not just like, like I might say something and someone will reject me. It's that our desire, our literal desire for connection, lust, intimacy, and to be desirable ourselves isn't safe. Because there was a moment, and for me it was fourth grade, when I let my desire be known. Like I let it out. My peers knew about it.
It was kind of this space of like, people are getting boyfriends. And I kind of have crush on this guy. And I couldn't even tell you exactly. Like, I don't even know if we ever interacted face to face. I really don't. And I just know he was my boyfriend for two weeks. And I bought him a weird Al Yankovic. Yankovic? Yankovic? Whatever. I bought him a CD, which I completely like opened up before I met him and then wrapped it. Like there, I took the plastic wrapping off, listened to it.
And then gave it to him. his birthday happened to fall within this two week span. And it it wasn't him directly that broke up with me. I have told this story on the podcast before. I retell it in the context of this because I find when I tell stories of this kind, it brings us back to our own version of this. But yeah, you know, my best friend came up to me on the playground and was like, so and so doesn't want to be your boyfriend anymore.
Or so-and-so doesn't want to be in a relationship with you anymore. Whatever relationship could be in fourth grade. But my desire had been out there that I liked this person, that I had a crush on them. Again, whatever it meant, right? I was in a vulnerable position. And then it ended very abruptly. And it was really painful, of course. So embarrassing. And I felt really rejected, but not just rejected.
I felt mortified for wanting in the first place. Wanting someone, liking someone. So this is my beef with AI. All the ease they purport to create, to bring on, it's just distancing us further from the wounded part of ourselves that needs to be healed, no matter what.
This wounded part of ourselves, it's like actually that whole thing, meeting someone, connecting with someone, getting close to someone, completely unsafe.
Maybe whatever the AI AI tools are in Bumble, Hinge, Tinder, et cetera, like are gonna give you a bitter better match. But it completely pushes us further from the core of these obstacles. And that's only gonna come up in relationships. The thing I love about meeting people in person and the pursuit of that is that without even thinking, it it puts us directly in line.
With addressing those issues, those beliefs, those perspectives, those wounds in ourself. And I'm gonna explain what I mean by that, but there's honestly kind of a magic to it. Because it has to do with redefining who we believe ourselves to be, like what we're allowed to have and receive, our safety around intimacy. You don't actually need to analyze it.
That much. If you're sitting here and you're like, okay, I definitely have a version of myself, a story like that that I connect to. Okay, so like how how would meeting per people in person do that? Don't even go there. Just stay open in the context of this conversation. And I'm gonna give you next steps and tools because this is really what this content series is building out. I'm going to give you steps and tools to essentially, okay, consider this, consider this, start exploring these actions. It's very incremental.
To stay in the process. There's a very deep part of me that still relates to the girl who wasn't asked the problem, even as a four-year-old, even several years into a marriage with a nearly two-year-old. That girl was someone who didn't view herself as dateable or desirable. She actually felt so unsafe.
in that space of being desired and having someone else desire her that she anyone who came close like no one could come close to me. I was asked to prompt by someone who I didn't want to be seen with. But there was so much wrapped up in all that that I I distanced myself from it severely. I never, you know, maybe with very close girlfriends, but I never let those desires out.
And I just kind of I cut that part of myself off. I wasn't gonna pursue it. I wasn't gonna have that. It was too dangerous. It was too painful. It was too exposing.
And all of that, that really alchemized from I mean, I know it was before age nine because there's other stuff at play here. But my kind of series of events, I can think of that moment in fourth grade. There was a moment in middle school where I felt like I was made fun of for my appearance. a couple of those in middle school. By that point, it was so offline for high school that I
I didn't feel any sense of quote unquote embarrassment because I closed myself so hard from it. But all of that had a direct influence on my dating experience, my dating life, my relationship history, whether I was using an app. AI wasn't around at that point in time, but but it would be doing the same thing. Or if I was meeting people in the wild. And
Just knowing this is not a conversation about dating apps, but when people are like I never get matches or I never connect with anyone or people flake off, all of that behavior there is dictated by the steeper stuff that I'm talking about. Not like the nature of your profile or the city that you live in or whatever the algorithm is. It's that other stuff.
Our identities, how we view ourselves, who we believe ourselves to be, they both create like a sense of safety, rooting us in who they are who, excuse me, we are, but they also limit us because they essentially dictate what we can and can't experience. So I know I sound like a broken record, but AI shortcuts in place or not, like all of that still exists.
And that's why whenever people are like, I don't match with anyone, I don't like the dating apps, I don't know how to date, I'm like, I mean, yeah, it's dating is not easy. None of it is easy. It's I'm not implying it should be smooth or easy or without challenge or disappointment or pain. But when people say those things, I'm like, there's something else to look at here.
So for the sake of this episode, I want to bring it back to this young girl. I bet you have your own iteration of her. I know you do. I discussed versions of these girls, these young, sweet girls, adolescents, teens with my clients all the time. And what we have to do is go back to the original incident. I'm kind of like a detective, you know. Who is that version of you? How old is she?
And how is she now running the show based on her own experience and then the subsequent fears?
There's always a defining moment, as I spoke about in my own case. Often, like the younger you can go back, the better. You know, I think about a former client of mine who described it was like in first or second grade, and her mother brought some traditional like ethnic treats into the classroom, and she was dressed in the traditional garb of my client's culture.
And it was in that moment that she felt so other. She could see the look on her classmates' faces. And she was, you know, quite young in the sense that there weren't boyfriends and girlfriends and middle school dances at play. But that interaction, that experience coupled with her sister kind of, you know, falling into being the pretty one and that, you know, siblings individuate to differentiate. So
There were a couple of things, but that first grade experience was really crucial. And she recalls it was in that moment where I was like, I'm just I'm just gonna focus on being good, being a good student. So find that defining moment in early adolescence, your middle school years, your teen years, whatever has cropped up as you're listening to this episode, whatever you found to be really embarrassing.
And and filled you with a lot of shame. You know, I I can still bring myself back. I can see the playground. I can see the direction I'm facing the elementary school. And I can remember how the words were said and I didn't react. It was like all the blood drained from my face and I scrunched up my face so I wouldn't cry because I didn't want to allow more of that embarrassment out.
I just nodded. It was like so-and-so doesn't want to be your boyfriend anymore. Okay. And I just I swallowed it and something shut down there that I didn't stir awake for another 20 years. And I had entered relationships before that, but I really didn't look at it until 20 plus years later. And I'm still stirring it awake. I'm still looking at it. So do you see
How some garbage AI bot that's writing you an intro line can't do this for you. How you can read a carousel post on Instagram and be like, right, yeah, right. I choose, I choose emotionally unavailable men. Got it, got it. But then you just keep chasing the same person.
It doesn't cut it. It doesn't cut it. And here's the other thing. If you bristle at exploring this part of yourself, I guess I'm talking about it and you're like, I I don't want, I don't want to look at that. I don't want go back to that. One, I have so much compassion for you. I get it. This is not easy. It's not easy at all. But that resistance to these intimate parts of yourself corresponds to a resistance to intimacy.
Because it's that part of ourselves and all of it that we need to get to know, get comfortable with, because it will be exposed in some way in the context of a relationship. So on the subconscious level, that's what your brain is doing. You have to go back there first yourself. You have to go deep into those memories, not just to redefine who you are and what you're able to hold and receive, but but also to find comfort in it. So this is a moment I would invite you to grab
Pen and paper. And you can certainly pause as I rattle these off, but go back to that moment. Take your time journaling here and answer questions like, what happened? What did you feel? What did you do right after that? How did it feel in your body? What do you feel in your body now when you think of it? What did you make it all mean? What did you make it mean about you?
And then how did your behavior change? How did your behavior change after the incident?
It's really crucial to take your time with this. I just rattled off one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, seven pretty big questions that could fill pages and pages. And there's probably more than one incident.
This is where, think of it like a navigation system, right? This is where all the beliefs formed. This is where all the paths of your subconscious around what is and isn't safe in desire in relationships were formed.
The reason why the practice, and there are all degrees to this practice, that's what we're gonna get into next week. The reason why the practice of meeting people in person is so helpful is because you're naturally forced to confront this stuff. These fears, these long-held beliefs, the insecurities, and engaging in behavior, like because you know, if you
If you engage in this exercise, if you partake in this exercise, like you'll get a lot of clarity on, excuse me, this is where things are stemming from. And this is what got created around that. And this is what is directing and influencing my experience right now. Awareness is the first step. But in order to actually change what you can experience, you have to engage in behavior that is the opposite. And that's what I'm going to walk you through.
Next week, a very incremental process of engaging in gentle behavior. And yeah, at one end of the spectrum is going up to someone and asking for their number, but we're not starting there. But a very gentle introduction to this practice, which in adopting this behavior, you are flipping the script, you are redefining who you think yourself to be, not dictated by those early nascent experiences.
And we don't need to analyze them that much. Like we don't need to figure out a dating strategy, or we don't need to completely obliterate the apps, or we we don't need to lean hard into AI. None of it. The reason I'm I am suggesting pulling the dating apps for the summer is to bring people more deeply into this process, but it doesn't always need to look like that. So for this week, I want you to go back to your
girl, back to that moment. And then
Consider your desire. There's a dog here. See what we can do around this dog. All right, I think she's gonna be quiet for the rest of this.
I want you to consider your desire for not just a relationship but to change your life. Because I think in ways people can hear all this. The questions, like the area I am inviting you, encouraging you to explore and excavate. And it's like, my God, I I don't know if I want to do that. I don't know if I can do that.
Consider the desire to change your life, to not let certain circumstances and experiences that were so long ago dictate the outcomes of your life. And if that feels motivating to you, explore it that way. Take it out of the context of dating, because I promise you this will influence so much more beyond the scope of dating. But take it out of that. Come in it more from a place of I'm dedicated to not letting younger versions of myself. Dictate my experience now. Okay. all right, y'all. I'm really excited to be walking you through this process.