How to Meet People in Person When You’re Terrified to Meet People in Person
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How to Meet People in Real Life (When You're Done With the Apps)
You're not broken. You're just tired of the apps — and ready for something that actually feels like you.
This episode is part three of a series on in-person dating. (If you haven't listened to Episode 169 — Your Permission Slip to Stop Dating — and Episode 170 — Why You Can't Meet People in Person — start there first.)
In this one, we get into the part nobody talks about: what it actually takes to start seeing romantic possibility in your everyday life. Not a rigid plan. Not a list of places to go. Just a shift in how you're moving through the world — and what you're allowing yourself to want.
We cover:
Why your beliefs about meeting people are running the show (and how to change them)
Moving from fantasy to real-life action without forcing it
How curiosity beats perfectionism every time in dating
The subtle power of eye contact, small gestures, and letting things unfold
Why doing the inner work — especially around past relationships — is what actually builds confidence
How to stop overthinking and start honoring what you desire
Summer is a tender time for this. The stakes feel lower. The opportunities are everywhere — grocery stores, gyms, commutes. This episode is your permission slip to notice them.
Timestamps:
00:00 - Introduction: Why avoiding apps can open new pathways for connection
00:26 - The significance of self-perception in meeting others
01:22 - How AI and digital tools can hinder genuine connection
02:46 - Moving from conceptual beliefs to real-world action
03:44 - Overcoming fears around rejection and embarrassment
04:12 - Shifting focus from steps to internal beliefs
05:35 - The power of small gestures like giving your number on a paper
06:33 - Listening to intuitive whispers and curiosity in everyday life
07:32 - How internal stories influence Romatic pursuits
08:00 - The role of mini-steps and playing out scenarios in your mind
09:30 - The importance of genuine curiosity rather than ego-driven goals
10:55 - The tenderness of summer and opportunity to notice connection cues
12:23 - Practicing allowance to notice and engage with potential connections
13:52 - Visualization and fantasy as tools to build confidence
16:18 - Real client stories of overcoming fears through deep inner work
20:27 - The significance of resilience and acceptance of rejection
22:22 - Honoring your curiosity and observing your environment
23:22 - Creating moments for flirtation and connection in casual settings
24:48 - The subtle art of non-verbal flirtation and playfulness
26:41 - Embracing your sensory experiences and internal desires
28:10 - Final encouragement: Notice, linger, and trust your intuitive signals
Resources & Links:
Show Transcript:
Hi friends, welcome back to another episode of I Think I Like You the Podcast. I'm Clara Archwalker, your host, and this is a podcast for high achieving, highly independent, very high-functioning women who've experienced a lot of professional success, probably some burnout too, but they've seen their careers do a lot and they don't see the same romantically. I run this podcast every week. You can also find me over on Instagram at I thinkIlikeyou.co.And if you're curious about working with me, my private coaching program for women in their 30s and 40s who generally just feel behind in life, they deeply desire a partner, a family, and they find this to kind of be the one area of their life that despite all the therapy, all the self-help, all of the personal work that they've done, they're not really seeing sustainable change. So I do now have spaces open. You can head to I thinkIlikeyu.co and click on work with me.And if you're just dropping in, today's episode marks the third in a series dedicated to not just the act of meeting people in person, but also like a really big permission slip around getting off the apps for the summer. So that was two episodes back, episode 169. And also a hard look at the downside of AI coming into the dating apps that was part of 169.And 170, you're definitely gonna want to give those two a listen before you listen to this episode because they really serve as the foundation for what will then make sense in terms of what I'm gonna talk about today. Episode 169, the first in the series, focused on like all that AI has promised to do, bring more ease and improve connections to dating, and how I don't actually believe that is what it will deliver and ultimately how it will pull us more.From not just our connection to ourselves, but our connection to one another, and how we have a lot more agency when it comes to directing that and dictating that, and how these quote unquote tools, these helpers, these matchmakers get in the way of that. And then the second is focused on this would be episode one, seven days. So last week's episode.Is where our mind goes in terms of thinking about meeting people in person and why it's easy to convince ourselves that we can't meet people in person. The larger theme of these episodes and this summer is space from the dating apps, a break from the dating apps, but not necessarily a break from seeking connection or dating, seeking a relationship. And so often we think, okay, well, I would love to meet someone in person, but how do I go about actually doing that?If you are the person who really carries that sentiment strongly, episode 170, the previous episode is a crucial listen before you get into this one. Because we're going to get into more of the how today, like how you actually start to open up the process of meeting people in person. But you can't get into the how without first dealing with the foundation, which has to do with our beliefs about ourselves.or self-perception. Last week I said most single folks think they can't meet people in person for reasons like I never run into anyone. I'm not in settings with single people. All of my friends are coupled and don't have people to introduce them to. And I'm I'm not brave enough, which makes so much sense to ask someone out. Like I don't know how to flirt. I can't go up to someone. There is an identity piece here, which I go into heavily in that episode. How we perceive ourselves, whatwe believe is possible for us, who we believe ourselves to be. And with that, then the experiences that we're allowed to have, the experiences that are safe and unsafe, play a crucial role in our ability to, I'm not even gonna just say date, meet people in person, but connect with people in person. So often we are drawn to the action, like the how, like how do I do it, Claire? Just give me the steps. And honestly, you don't need the steps.From me. You could figure this out for yourself. It's what's going to create the follow-through on those steps that is the key piece. That's episode 170. And then today, taking that work, that information, what I guided folks through is now being brought to action in this episode. You know, I remember so vividly when I started this practice for myself. I had no idea how.I would connect with someone in person without dying of literal embarrassment. The how wasn't my driver. I was more so fixated on shifting how I felt about dating in general, like what was possible for me, and really leveraging the time I was already spending outside of my apartment, integrating that time versus.adding something else to what I had to do in the day, in the week, an event, gathering a place I had to go, someone I had to coordinate with. As I said before, so often we're looking for that full detailed plan, the exact roadmap. And that's a lot of what online dating culture tries to sell us. And we think that if we wait or we buy into something that can tell us every step that will then allow us to avoid a misstep, we'll be golden. But thatThat doesn't exist. A life without missteps, pain, disappointment doesn't exist. For me, a big driver in that experience that started back in 2014, twelve twelve, twelve years ago. Yeah. Was this idea that wouldn't leave me. This idea of like, what if? What if I could meet someone in person? What if I carried around a piece of paper with my number on it?in my pocket and attempted to give it to someone at some point. That actually specifically was my idea. I was like, what if I just took this piece of paper and I did? I'm not giving it to anyone yet, but what if I just tore us a pie tore off a piece of paper and put my number on it and had it in my pocket? So often I find in these moments of like, how? How am I going to do something? I am finalizing my book proposal this year. And every day I met with how am I going to do this?And if I go down that path versus what do I need to edit in the proposal right now, I don't get anywhere. And it's the same thing here. I think so often in these big steps, these big moments, we're focused on the what's the huge picture? What's the full picture? What's next? What's next? Give me the detailed road roadmap. We overlook these ideas that won't leave us, these whispers.Of curiosity, these nudges of like, what have I just tried? This. That's what the piece of paper with my phone number on it was. And I bet in the context of listening to this episode today, the prior episodes where I've been talking about how AI isn't doing us any favors, warming us up to the concept of meeting people in person, that you've already had those whispers. You've already had moments where you heard something and you were like, I.I want to do that. Like I like that. I'm drawn to that. Following that is where the power rests. And even just continuing to listen to these episodes and saying, I want to learn more is information about what you're feeling, what you're desiring, what direction you're moving in. I was chatting with a friend the other day and she brought up yet again, and it's funny because I wrote this episode script.A few days after our conversation. And now I'm recording this a few days later later. And this has only articulated itself more. But she had brought up to me how she was thinking about this career change, thinking about making this shift in her life. And I said back to her, you know, I just wanna say, like I'm observing, this is probably the fourth time you've brought this up organically this year. And hmm, I wonder if that means something. We do this.In all areas of our life. We want to keep looking for the thing that's coming up. And the same applies to our romantic desires, our feelings about partnership, our feelings about how we want to date. And that can look like I would love to take a breather from the apps and spend the summer diving into this content series. No, exploring how Clara is talking about ways I can open myself up to meeting people in person and ways I can really flip that.script, that idea of myself in my mind, because that's that's what this is all about. And that ultimately, that thread of curiosity, this thing that kept coming up, that was the genesis of my experience here. I know I said it before, but it was like this internal dialogue of like, this keeps coming up, this keeps coming up. Well, what if what if I could actually give someone this piece of paper with my number? What if I could just allow my eyes to linger on someone a little longer in the subway?What if during this hour I spend commuting every day I could connect with someone? You'll notice in me saying that it wasn't this, what's the easiest, fastest way to meet my person and get married and get what I want? It wasn't that at all. It was much quieter. It was very heart-led. It was very soul-stirring because it wouldn't leave. It wasn't.An expectation that things would be easy or smooth or go a specific way, that I wouldn't have to overcome something, right? It was a genuine curiosity. I followed the curiosity of my desire. Like, yes, I was hoping to meet someone, but I didn't go into the world or Manhattan specifically, being like, okay, how am I going to meet my person today in person?That approach is all ego. That approach is an indicator that you're looking for someone to validate you versus you're speaking to the genuine desire for a relationship. That's like, how do I check this box? How do I make this thing happen? It doesn't mean that your genuine desire doesn't exist. It doesn't mean that your desire for relationship is all rooted in ego. You're just not connected to it. That connection is much more quiet.It's much more amorphous. It's softer. And you'll notice there's going to be a softness to what I'm describing and prescribing today. Last week there was a softness in revisiting the younger part of ourselves that didn't think being desirable was safe. And that ultimately connects to whether we think we can or cannot meet someone in person. The week prior to that, there was a softness in like, let's call in, like,Our summer joys, what we actually want to feel and experience this summer. I don't know about you, but here on the East Coast, we had a brutal winter and I love snow. I just stared at my library the other day, a room in our house that's becoming a library. All the shelves are going in. It's gonna be filled with books and records. It's such a beautiful space. And I looked into the room and I thought, man, I'm really gonna enjoy sitting in here with a cup of coffee and a book.when the ground is covered in snow, but not right now. I want summer because it was a brutal experience. But there's a softness in shaping that. There's a tenderness and a a real raw edge to shaping that, connecting with that, articulating that. When it comes to meeting people in person, it starts with looking around, noticing what's around you, lingering on people, and it doesn't have to be in a creepy way.In the places you're already spending time on your commute, in the grocery store, in the coffee shop, at the gym, wherever it may be. I started by allowing myself to do that. And allowing is the key piece here because the allowing means you're letting your desires breathe. It just started with lifting up my head, getting out of my phone, opening my eyes, and seeing what was there.And not charging towards the entire solution. I didn't, I didn't know what that was yet. And and frankly, how could I? You know, I've recorded episodes on these steps of meeting people in person before. I will link to them in the show notes. But those steps look like getting to know the identity of the person who thinks it is impossible for them, as I mentioned previous episode. The core thing that says to us, I can't do this or have this, and it'sTotally going to wreck me from embarrassment. The next step then is looking at your surroundings. What people and places are you drawn to? Like what are you into? The next step is after getting comfy and cozy, looking around, considering, gosh, if I were to engage with this person, what might that look like? And just play out the fantasy. You hang in this step for a while. You hang in all these steps for a while. There's zero pressure to do.Anything. And you'll likely be too scared. But what if you played out the fantasy? And that's the thing about summer that's so fun. We are constantly, because we have a little one that we're like, we just need outdoor space and toys and grass and run around and just give us a cocktail, maybe some food. Right? But we're surrounded by cideries and breweries and farms that thank God are verykid friendly and I'm like, maybe there's a cute dad there that I'm gonna make eyes at. I am not implying any funny business in my marriage, but like, maybe there's a cute dad, you know? What about if you're on the Hamptons Chitney? What if you're on a flight to Europe or you're checking into your Airbnb? What about the pickleball league? Or is that what's coming in? That French Padell? I'm gonna, I'm gonna butcher that. Someone's gonna need to message me. There's some other paddleboard sport coming in.It's French. Maybe you're still unpickable. Maybe you're into tennis. Hang in the environments you already spend time in and consider, mm, like what's here? What am I drawn to? If you see someone on a form of transportation, play out that fantasy of like, what if I went up to them and I had this conversation and then that happened. And then we ran into each other at a bar later. Like, I think so often we it's twofold. We think of fantasy as like that just lives in a romance novel andI get to experience it when I'm reading the romance novel, and that's fun. But if I play out a fantasy in my life, then it means that I'm living in that world, that I'm not living in reality, and I'm not pushing myself to do things. The reason why I say adopt this practice in person is because, and within the greater, of course, context of what I'm talking about here, I'm going to sound like I'm beating such a dead horse, but IPromise you that the act of working with the identity piece, the thing around why you think you might not be able to meet someone in person or why getting close to someone that is so dangerous. If you start there, these next steps completely change. Everything completely changed because in that fantasy piece, you will actually tire of your own in activity. People don't realize how powerful.Following your curiosity is lingering in the fantasy until you're actually in it. And I've seen this work time and again with different clients because they were like, like I actually allowed myself to do that. And something changed. I want to walk you through an example of this that I had with a client. So earlier this year I was working with a woman.Who was really drawn to the owner of the health club that she frequented. And we talked about this for months, on and off, because she was going there. I saw him again, you know, well, I want to say something. I should say something. And I kept saying, like, yeah, you know, you should. And I talked to her about it in the context of this work, but it was a casual conversation because most of our focus was on healing from a prior, very significant breakup and all that that relationship contained and held and forced her to.confront. And that ultimately is the heart of the work that I do, that deep work. And I find that when we tend to those spaces, and that's what I was seeing with her, the surrounding areas, like working up the gumption to give the guy you have a crush on your number, I kind of start to pale in comparison. And that's what that foundational work of going back to this young version of ourselves that had a real idea, really limiting beliefs around what was possible romantically.That's your deep work there. For her, we were really looking at the driver of this relationship, how small, limited she remained within it, how it wasn't reciprocal, how she wasn't being fed. And because of that work and that energy, then when this person kept showing up, kept showing up, what started to build for her was like, I'm not waiting anymore. I'm not being so passive anymore.This one interaction is not going to define me. I want to experience more agency in the context of my pursuit of partnership and I can handle the outcome. Side note, often slash always, when we process the pain of something major, which so often we don't fully metabolize or integrate, we justsuppress it and try to ignore it or try to meet someone else or eat sugar or pour ourselves into work. We do something to numb it. But when we actually integrate the pain of rejection and loss, then we're able to hold more vulnerable and unpredictable scenarios because we've already done so. And that's why there was a correlation between that very deep foundational work we were doing.On her as a person and her ability to then go up to the owner of this health club. She became much stronger, much more rooted in herself. She knew no matter the outcome, it couldn't knock her down, so to speak. Now here's the thing. She gave him his number, he or excuse me, she gave him her number. He did follow up, which is really exciting. And they went on that date. She learned very quickly he was not for her. And thatThat wasn't the easiest pill to swallow, but the experience in and of itself built her capacity, completely ripped up of a band-aid of fear. And and we didn't even talk about it directly. But after that, every few weeks there would be another person in person around her apartment building, or in this other context where someone would come up to her or she would go up to them, or there was an interaction that would lead to a date, a romantic scenario. And the thing aboutthose interactions is you don't need the date itself to work out. I'm not saying that you don't want it to. I'm not saying she didn't sit in that chair. Of course she did, wishing that this person worked for her, that there was a connection here. The number one thing is working through the fear, having the capacity to carry yourself through a vulnerable, exposing moment, being like, I'm gonna give you my number. LikeI have a little crush on you. The act of the date working out itself doesn't hinge on that. Will that be disappointing? Yes. Is there a way to avoid pain and rejection and disappointment in any form of dating? No. But there is so much agency and empowerment in walking things through. I want you to notice though, she spent a longTime. Months, months, lingering in the curiosity. And then she got tired. She got tired of walking by this individual and not doing something, saying something, and continuing to have the same feeling coming coming up. I wish I could do that. I wish I could do that. Maybe you have a crush on one person and you let it linger the whole summer and then you let it rip. Here's the thing about the people I work with, and I already know this by way of you listening to this podcast.They're motivated. They don't want to stay stuck in the same place. And once they see what's standing in their way, once they see the obstacle, they can't unsee them. They want to move through them. It becomes frustrating, annoying, something more severe than those two things, but I can't think of the word right now. But it really grates on them. Like, I just, I just don't want this holding me back anymore. I mean, that was ultimately.What it was for me. I was being s I was so tired of being defined by this scared, insecure version of myself. So again, you you don't have to figure out exactly how to do this to avoid all discomfort and pain. Let it be an awkward interaction. You won't be able to figure it out. But if you come at it more from a place ofI don't want to stay stuck in the same place. I don't want my history, my fears, my insecurities to limit my life. I actually think that's quite motivating. I know it's quite motivating because I see it all the time. So if you're listening right now and you're like, okay, okay, okay, I want to try. I want to try. But like, huh? What do I do? Linger in steps one through three and I'll walk you through them again for as long as you like. Honor your curiosity.Go out into the world, go out to your weekend trips and your workout classes and your dinners out and your work on sites or whatever it may be. And just observe. Don't worry about someone actually being a potential partner. Just observe the people, the things, the conversations, the colors, the tastes that you're into. Like look around. Look around.And then start to entertain the fantasy. Right? You know, it's always helpful for me to work through personal examples in these episodes to articulate them for you. It's a little trickier being married, but any married person would be lying to you. So you didn't say like, there was a cute dad, the gymnastics class last weekend, or cute mom, or vice versa, right?you know, whatever floats your boat. That does exist. And maybe, you know, it makes me think about the Joanna Goddard Cup of Joe. For those of you, some of you read it. I don't know if all of you read it. but she's a blogger and she has this piece that she wrote years ago about one of the sexiest things that she did with her with her husband was they would show up to the restaurant for date night independently. So she would walk in, she would get to see him sitting at the bar.And it was like a picture of him in a time, you know, pre-kid. They could almost operate as strangers, right? There was whimsy and fun and flirtiness and sexiness in that. So those are other iterations of the fantasy I could build out. Maybe I could look at my husband from afar ordering drinks at the bar and just pretend I don't know him. But you too can create that that fantasy and let it run.Let it run in terms of what you like about that person, how you can't stop thinking about them, what you're drawn to, what you could go off and do together. I promise you, if you follow both what I've talked about and the outline in these episodes, you will tire of your own limitations. You will tire of your own alien ability to go up with someone to someone. The thing that was happening to me.When I was dating in New York in this way, is that I would see someone at a restaurant. It was always a restaurant. I mean, I was at bars too, but I was never out that late. I would see someone and this would start to happen in my mind. I would start to entertain the possibility of going up to him. And then the, you know, the moment would pass, the person would leave the train car or leave the restaurant, whatever. And I would think, damn, I didn't do it. And I did that many, many, many, many times over.Just letting myself get curious about people to the point where I was like, gosh, I don't want to keep missing out on all of these individuals. At the heart of meeting people in person is a deep honoring of our own intuition and desire, what it is we deeply feel. This episode series started with considering our joy. Like, what do we find to be deeply joyful and true in the warmer seasons, like the food we love.The kind of movement our body hungers for, the places we want to visit and experience, the rest we need, the materials that feel good on our body. There's something about summer where in the later afternoon I'll start to get excited, like, I can't, I can't wait to, you know, have the windows open at night and the fans blowing and the crisp feeling of the sheets on my body, or the whisperings of the birds in the morning and that first cup of coffee.That is slightly deterred right now by my toddler. But it's there. It exists. And that is so rooted in an honoring of a felt experience. And I see the same thing existing in our curiosity and the people that we are drawn to, but we don't treat it that way. We look to a phone and we examine a profile and we think, will this work? Could this work?Could we connect in person? Could we go on a date and we'll lead to something? And we have no idea. We have no idea. It's a rather small ask in the sense of, well, it's a rather small ask in terms of wanting I'm asking you to bring into the mix. It's about giving something space. It's something that's already there. I know you already walk into a restaurant, a bar, an airport terminal.And you see someone and you think, And then maybe your mind goes to what you're reading, what you're working on, a text that popped up in your phone, scrolling Instagram, like you don't do anything with it. And you might even this in this moment being like, well, where's it gonna lead? I don't like this person. I'm not gonna walk up to them. Maybe they have a wedding ring on. That's where we go wrong. That's where we lose what is there intuitively, our felt sense of what we're drawn to.It's up to you whether you act on it or not. So often why I work with people directly on this type of stuff is because it requires accountability. But it is feasible, it is possible to hold oneself in this experience and keep committing to it. So this episode is coming to a close, but go back to it, take notes, pull the steps, honor your curiosity, look around, let a fantasy unfold, linger.in those spaces until you're like, I gotta do something with this. All right, y'all. As always, if you have thoughts, if you do questions, shoot me a DM at I think I like you.co on Instagram. I think we're gonna wrap this series. But if there's more that you want me to cover, let me know. We'll be stepping away from the concept of meeting people in person. Certainly not changing the desire for the theme of the summer, but digging into some other areas starting next week. All right, y'all, have a good one.